“Shut The Fuck Up You Pieces Of Shit Or I’ll Crush You All” Ellen Makes Heartfelt Apology

Following reports of bullying from staff and producers of her hit daytime television talk show, Ellen Degeneres has made a heartfelt apology promising to crush their careers and make sure they’ll never work in the entertainment industry ever again.

Stroking a terrified looking cat while addressing a camera from her home, an emotional DeGeneres pleaded for forgiveness from her colleagues in the hopes of making amends.

“Hi guys, Ellen here. I just want to address a few things with you all as I’ve been very concerned at the stories emerging from our show,” Ellen opened up in what appeared to be the start of an emotional plea, “you need to shut the fuck up you pieces of shit or I’ll crush you all and make your lives are a living and never ending hell”, she added, before throwing the cat out of shot and getting up to do a hilarious Ellen dance.

Realising there was no music playing, DeGeneres stopped her routine before turning her attention at off air staffers.

“Where’s my music you scumbag pricks?” the 62-year-old shouted, grabbing the chair she was sitting on and hurling it across the floor, “I specifically asked for apologetic music to dance to and that asshole cat smells of shit. Get me a new cat that looks fluffier and less shit smelling. You fucktards couldn’t produce a kids puppet show. How we’ve won 30 Emmys and 20 People’s Choice Awards is anyone’s guess”.

Initially, Ellen’s apology was not received well, but with rumours of British chat show host and actor James Corden expected to take over as host, staff have since quickly come forward to accept her apology.

“I’d rather grate my eyeballs with a cheesegrater than watch that smarmy mutton chop bollocks pretend he’s all nicey nice; at least with Ellen everyone now knows she’s a c**t!” one producer concluded.

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